


I was born to run

by madelita



Category: Magic Kaito
Genre: Friends With Benefits, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:34:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29107137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madelita/pseuds/madelita
Summary: Magicians are all smoke and mirrors, but Saguru should’ve known that from the start.
Relationships: Hakuba Saguru/Kuroba Kaito | Kaitou Kid
Comments: 6
Kudos: 38





	I was born to run

**Author's Note:**

> This is a mess. Like, more so than usual. I'm a bit impressed, considering it took me two days and I started writing when my mental health was at rock bottom, but nonetheless, this is messy. But I'd like to have it out of my hands as soon as possible, so even though it could benefit from me reading it over a few more times, I'd rather not.  
> It's not an excuse, just an explanation.  
> I hope that some of you can enjoy it anyway.
> 
> The title is from Midnight Sky by Miley Cyrus.

The city shines under Kaito's dangling feet. This crumbling building he's sitting on doesn't fit in, abandoned and dark as it is, but that's why Kaito likes it. There are only a few attempts at safety on the roof, a railing here and there, almost as if it was just sprinkled in, but on the side that gives the best view, there are no obstacles.

The wind is a little cool tonight and he regrets not stealing Saguru's coat. It's not like he would've minded.

He breathes out.

He was feeling a special kind of restless in the evening -- put on his tightest jeans, and the shirt he knows rides up easily, picked up the leather jacket that makes him look roguish and makes Saguru, in turn, weak. And Saguru watched him, all throughout the night, and gave him what he wanted.

His neck still stings. When he left, he was tempted to keep his marks. It felt so nice, for those moments, to have Saguru's mouth on his neck, his teeth, and let him bite and bite and bite, until Kaito was keening and not even the polite distance from the main street was going to save them. And when Saguru had enough and took him home, on the way he made sure to dance under the street lights, where the only things darker than his bruises were Saguru's eyes.

But eventually Kaito found himself bolting up, as if waking up from a dream, and felt as if he was too much. There was too much colour, he was filled with a strange buzz, and he couldn't contain it without going mad. He couldn't stand being Kuroba Kaito any longer -- found the first public restroom after he left Saguru's place, and hid his bruises meticulously, then watched the rest of him disappear piece by piece in the mirror under the sickly yellow light. He needed to dissolve himself into the city and become just another empty, shapeless being wandering on the streets, until he could find it in himself to return.

He can't even complain, because Saguru only did what he wanted him to. Except that, as usual, he was thorough and a bit of an overachiever, so if Kaito asked for something, he should've known that Saguru would always do a little bit more. So, Kaito felt hollow before, and he asked Saguru to change that, well now he's a cup that's about to overflow.

...though, it's probably not fair to blame only Saguru for this, even though he really, really would like to. But Kaito was the one to push him, wasn't he?

He pushed, because Saguru looked at him in a certain way, and Kaito knew what it meant. He had to keep kissing him just so he would shut up. See, that's the problem with Saguru, that he always wants to talk. It's bad enough that he thinks, but Kaito especially can't stand when he talks. Saguru thinks he can do the spring cleaning in his head, but all he'd accomplish is making the organized mess of Kaito's emotions worse. All of it: the tangled rope of feelings about Kid, his father, his life, the two of them, torn viciously into fibers so he can sort them into simply labelled boxes like "Anger" or "Sadness," and if there's ever something he can't strip down like this, well, those things have their own boxes, too. And he never has to open any of them again. But Saguru doesn't understand this, he doesn't seem to realize that Kaito lived like this for years and it worked for him just fine.

Even when Kaito has done his best, Saguru still has something to say. When he pressed Kaito to the window and pushed in, and they could only wonder if someone would spot them in the dark, he buried his face in Kaito's hair and told him: "I've wanted you for so long," and then proceeded to tell him exactly how long, and how much.

And when the torrent of Saguru's confessions ended and Kaito wanted to cry, did cry in fact, he took hold of Kaito, and asked: "Did you want this too?" and wouldn't move until Kaito gave him an answer. What could he do, when Saguru was right there? His chest broad behind Kaito's back, his arms firm around him, and his lips so impossibly gentle when he was being so cruel. Kaito had to tell him the truth.

_ ("Yes. Yes, I've wanted you for the longest time, I dreamt of it and it was driving me crazy, do you even know what you're like, now please, would you please fucking move-") _

Damn him, Kaito thinks. The skyscrapers ahead of him turn blurry.

Saguru was so startled when Kaito started picking his clothes back up. He suddenly looked too big and clumsy in his own hastily thrown on nightgown. Kaito knew Saguru wanted him to stay, like he does sometimes. Kaito couldn't spare him more than a long goodbye kiss, and even that was mostly to shut him up again.

He doesn't mean to hurt Saguru. Likes to tell himself he can't, because Saguru is meant for greater things, greater people and he’ll move on. They’re both very bad at these kinds of things, but they will, eventually, get past this, and when they do, it won’t matter what they are to each other.

Because… what  _ are _ they to each other, exactly? They haven’t had that kind of talk. (“Talk,” he thinks, “do you see what a horrible influence you are, Saguru?”) Fuckbuddies? God, Saguru’s poor heart would break if he knew Kaito even thought of it. He was always such a romantic.

“It’s you,” Saguru told him, all bright eyes and soft mouth and that fragile glass heart of his. “No one else.”

And Kaito, he used to be a romantic too, maybe he still is deep down, but he can’t afford to be. He hated how the words made him feel, that his own heart echoed them, because soon after that, he knew, he heard his conscience, that rugged, beaten up thing: “I’m going to hurt him.”

So he laughed, and acted sweet, and didn’t look, didn’t dare to look, at the disappointed face Saguru was surely making, and tried to focus on the sensations, and only the good ones. Instead, he felt the cold from the window glass, felt his fingers slowly turning to ice. 

“Why tell me all these things?” he asked when Saguru pulled away. Turned around to face him, because he was stupid, thought he could take it.

Saguru stood, with a stray ray of light hitting his eyes and his chest torn wide open, and told him: “Because I’ve nothing to hide.”

Kaito tried to not take it as the judgement it was, even though Saguru didn’t mean it that way. Watched his eyes widen and his proud stance crumble as he hurried to correct himself, but… why should he? He was right. Magicians are all smoke and mirrors, but Saguru should’ve known that from the start. Should’ve known not to expect more. Why trouble himself, it would be so much easier if he just went and dated a nice girl or guy, they would swoon at this kind of sincerity.

He wasn’t angry, he had no right. But he had to go. “I’ll see you soon,” he said, and he was sure he tasted like ash to Saguru.

His eyes sting. He couldn’t put foundation on his face, now he feels naked without it.

The next time he sees Saguru… he’ll have to smile even wider. Be sweet, actually, genuinely sweet, to make up for tonight. He’ll grovel, beg for forgiveness without words, for being a damn coward.

And Saguru will hold the knife to cut him open, but he’ll be so gentle, even as he reads out Kaito’s sins one by one. Maybe not the next time. Maybe the one after that.

The truth will come to light, but Kaito will run from it for as long as he can.

The edge of the horizon is starting to brighten. Kaito stands and tests the weight of metal on his back.

He jumps.


End file.
